just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
