he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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