So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
