I cannot find my penis.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
