I accidentally had phone sex last night
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
