I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
