Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
