First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
