I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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