I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
