dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this will be a night to untag.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Another day, another engagement, another cat
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
