i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
