I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
