Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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