Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
