I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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