dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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