God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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