I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
