Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
