when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
