Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
