do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
God I need to hump something, right now.
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