FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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