I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
