fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
