I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
