I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
