I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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