Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
