The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
