Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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