I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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