my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
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know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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