Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
