Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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