Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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