Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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