Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
