Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
