Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
