omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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