it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
