after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
