I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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