my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
