This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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