my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
