Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
