My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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