It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
