I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
