i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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