I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
