Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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