Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I still have a little drunk in my system
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
