I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
