Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
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